And this is where the traditional parenting methods (which I find anti-pedagogical) emerge: they claim that we have to punish and impose authority, as the only way for children to learn and become responsible, blah, blah, blah… If you read my book “Mães do Mundo” [Mothers of the World], you know why I totally disagree with them. You also know why I advocate strategies that are appropriate for each family.

Does your child throw tantrums?

Congratulations! He is communicating with you.At that moment, that is the only way he finds to manage to do so.

The development psychology established three phases in human life in which these behaviours may come out: between two and three years old, at six and in adolescence. These are the phases in which they commonly said to be testing their limits and fighting them. And it is all right! This is how they try to take responsibility for their lives, seeking for independence, trying to show that they are able and can perform tasks that are usually performed by an adult of reference.

The tantrum is a “storm” in the brain.Depending on the situation and the stimulus, such as excessive noise, tiredness, hunger or frustration, there may be a reaction of stress. Even a diet with an excess of sugars and industrialised products may influence the behaviour of the child. After all, our intestine is our first brain (as proved by the neuroscience, of which I will tell you in another post). Identifying the cause is the first step to develop the right strategy for the moment.

And it is especially during childhood that the child learns how to deal with emotions. It is when they discover them, acknowledge them and start dealing with them. When they cannot cope with them, they throw a tantrum and need an emotionally stable adult to guide them at that moment.

But emotions are contagious, and you may feel like responding in kind. This is called emotional reactivity. Sometimes I ask parents: who makes more tantrums at home, your child or yourself?

What can you deal with a tantrum?

• Relax
  Take a deep breath, connect yourself with your intention, make some room between emotion and reaction, imagine yourself as a child in that situation.
• Identify what caused the tantrum
  Fear, phobia, hunder, tiredness…
• Put yourself in the child’s shoes
  As I told you above, tantrums do not come out of nowhere. In their perspective, the world is inside out at that exact moment. Place yourself at the same level as the child, eyes to eyes, establish rapport and create empathy. If you are standing and your child is on the ground, have you noticed the great distance between the two of you? Imagine that you are the child, what do you see in front of you? A giant, and giants are frightening…
• Put in words the emotion that it is being lived without judgements
  “I see you are bothered… do you want to tell me what is going on? We have time…”
  Never tell him/her:
  “You have no reason to cry! Everything is fine!”

Do you really believe that your child would be crying if everything was fine?

It is important for the child to release their emotions and your responsibility is to be present. If you feel that it is not the appropriate place for the tantrum to come out, take away your child from unnecessary comments from others. Try to take them to a place free from sights and negative and unnecessary comments. Yes, it may happen that you have to carry them on your lap, with them kicking and screaming. But still, it is for the sake of your well-being.

Distracting elements, such as giving them an iPad or a mobile phone, for example, does not solve a tantrum in its essence, just sweeps it under the carpet.

Tantrums – how to cope with them, how to prevent them, how do they challenge you?

Preventing

Well, if you already know that the intention of a tantrum is to satisfy a need, if you also know that, in order to develop self-esteem and respect for the other, the child has to fill the need behind their behaviour and that you are the best example for them, you can start right there.

• Watch and listen to your child! – Without judgements. Allow them to feel well and loved.
• Trust – Ask them to pick up the phone or any other task that is appropriate to their age. Something that they are proud to have accomplished.
• Allow them to make choices – such as choosing what to wear, which shoes to use… Respect them and be patient.
• Give them responsibility – Let them choose what they want to be responsible for at home. For example, they may like to feed the pet, make their bed, tidy the room, set the table, water the plants… You will see that not only do they accomplish it, but it also makes them feel more important and part of your system.
• Ask for their opinion – It could be, for example, as simples as the choice of a meal for the family, where you are spending the next vacation or what cake you will bake together… Believe that the child will feel acknowledged, that their opinion counts!

Your son is not his/her behaviour!

Whenever you feel that a tantrum is starting, access your inner area of unconditional love. If you still feel it difficult, ask yourself: “What does this tantrum arouse in me?”

If you feel helpless in this process, we can talk or you can access the Generative and NLP Parenting course.

Remember that tantrums are great times to reflect on what is happening in our relationship with the child. They are great opportunities for common learning and growth. Everything is all right.

O conteúdo Tantrums – how to cope with them, how to prevent them, how do they challenge you? aparece primeiro em Rita Aleluia.

You can start by saying to that little voice burning in your “belly” and “honking” at your head that you thank, you acknowledge its positive intention but you dismiss its comments! Are you ready? Let’s get some facts straight!

«Your energy flows to where you are focusing. Focus on what serves you!»

• You are healthy! If you are fragile, you know at least that medicine is progressing very fast every day, that you have access to it, as well as to medication, whether conventional or not!
• You have water! You just need to turn on a tap to quench your thirst!
• You have food! Even those facing financial hardship find shelter with brothers and sisters of good will who volunteer to meet this basic need! And we have seen here how you can build your luck.
• You are connected to the world in a click, in a second! You do not even need to leave your home. You just need to have Internet, Wi-Fi… and if financial conditions do not allow, there are increasingly more cities offering this possibility for free!
• You can create your own business with the support of experienced entrepreneurs to whom you access through free of charge groups or platforms created for this purpose, or of formulas that the world’s largest companies offer you, such as this. You also know that you “are” the average of the five people who surround you.

«It is your decisions, and not your conditions, that determine your destiny.»
Tony Robbins

And I could give many more examples, but this is enough. Today we take everything for granted, for sure! Close your eyes and go back to the age when your grandparents lived… Can you feel the differences? Are you going to keep on complaining, to believe that you never have enough, to complain that hot water is colder than usual, that it is not fair that, among five different qualities of coffee that you have at home, your favorite has finished, to complain that you forgot to record the movie you wanted to watch over the weekend… In other words, will you keep focusing on what you do not have, instead of the plenty you have and you can still create?! When are you going to start feeling gratitude for all that life is offering you, right not?!

«We are what we think.»

Yes, the world is going through a phase of political upheaval, of restructuring of values and beliefs, which is absolutely necessary to climb at least a level of consciousness! Life is yours, the choice is yours! The moment is now and it is your moment!

I leave you with an excerpt of an absolutely wonderful speech from a man whose life and legacy still inspires me, Steve Jobs:

«Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinion drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary (…). Stay hungry. Stay foolish.»

O conteúdo The moment is now and it is yours aparece primeiro em Rita Aleluia.

On a visit to a cathedral, a tourist saw an artist working on a gigantic painting, on a wide wall to fill. Before that situation, the tourist couldn’t refrain his curiosity and dared to ask the artist:

Please tell me, you don’t get worried about all that empty space you need to paint, to fill? You don’t get worried, stressed, thinking about when you’ll be able to finish such a piece?

The artist throw him a tender smile and answered unaffectedly:

My dear, I only know what I can do daily. When I arrive, each morning, I highlight the area I will work on that day and I don’t allow myself to worry about the space still to fill. I take one day at a time and the painting will be finished on time.

And you, what are you afraid of? What might happen to your life if you would live one day at a time?

Much of the big obstacles and challenges that hold back and slow down our lives are like this big wall. We can worry about the huge space for the painting we have to create or, we can simply start filling it with amazing images, creative and unique – our lives imprint – doing the best we can and know at each moment, on each day that is given to us. In the end, we will have finished the best painting.

Where and when are you starting it? Well, breathe deeply, the best place to start is exactly where you are today: NOW!

O conteúdo If you live one day at a time aparece primeiro em Rita Aleluia.